I want to help you become a confident man so you can lead other men in doing the same.
The world needs more Better Men.
The thing about confidence is you can't fake it. You can't even pursue it directly.
You have to arrive at confidence by doing real shit in life.
The Better Man path is about taking action and building your identity and life.
What you get from doing that is confidence. It just happens.
That's the reality about confidence most men don't want to hear—there is no shortcut.
So I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you.
The reality is, confidence takes a whole hella lot of effort and time.
So think of this article as a place to start. The rest is up to you.
And remember, confidence is a byproduct, not a goal itself.
To become a confident man, don't try to become a confident man....
Become a Better Man.
True confidence is the result of doing hard things and learning and growing from that effort.
The hardest part is cultivating your unique identity through your own hard-won critical thinking, experience, and self-analysis.
Here's a simple graphic that illustrates how confidence develops.
The inflection point happens when your knowledge and skills come together to take on a life of their own. That's when your confidence grows faster than your experience rate.
There is a self-reinforcing flywheel effect that takes place as you take action and level up in life. And building confidence is the side effect of that process.
Each bit of confidence you cultivate becomes a cultivator of confidence itself, just like a flywheel that eventually builds its own momentum.
Knowledge is like this this as well; it's a latticework, as Charlie Munger says.
With each synaptic connection you make, new links connect between disparate pathways, growing your knowledge exponentially with each new bit of knowledge added to the database.
Knowledge begets knowledge. Confidence begets confidence.
The foundation for building confidence starts with the growth mindset.
Every chance you get to improve and learn, you do so. You embrace all the hard things as the opportunities they are. You take advantage of every obstacle in your life to get better and more confident.
That's step one. This is the confident path.
Of course, this confidence-building mindset is not something you'll wake up with tomorrow.
So start finding ways to think about, journal about, write about, talk about, and investigate the growth mindset. It will become the single most important thing you ever do in your development journey.
Confident men have made the connection between personal effort and their results. They know that they can generate results if they do the work.
Psychologists call this the "locus of control."
You can't have confidence without a strong internal locus of control.
Think about that a second.
If you don't feel you have the power to control the world around you, how can you possibly become a confident man?
And that's why a growth mindset coupled with a strong locus of control is the foundation for becoming confident and creating abundance.
Know Thyself, as Socrates said
Self-awareness is the inner game trait integral to building lasting confidence.
Fake confidence that manifests in toxic or fragile masculinity often stems from a lack of awareness.
When you don't know who you are, you will suffer from imposter syndrome. You will fake it, force it, and it will become apparent. This will rot away at your confidence and weaken your mindset.
The more you know yourself, and the more you accept yourself, the more confident you become.
You may be able to achieve confidence through specific skills in your life, which might compensate for the inner work you need to do, but it will break down over time.
And men that default to compensating aren't genuinely confident, in my opinion.
So, how can you be a truly confident man if you don't have a well-rounded identity and understanding of yourself?
So getting all that inner work done is paramount to becoming a confident man.
Now for some actionable Strategies to becoming a more confident man.
We've covered the inner game necessary to become a confident man, so now it's time to implement some specific strategies for building confidence.
The following list won't make up for the inner work. Ignoring the inner game will make it harder on you, so keep the more critical efforts in focus and use the following tactics to boost yourself.
I call this the "success loop."
Becoming successful and confident at anything requires following the success framework—take action, receive feedback from action and learn from that feedback, then repeat the process forever.
That's the growth mindset in action. It's also how you develop your locus of control.
Practice is everything.
Life is a game; make it your job as a man to practice, play, improve, and constantly move forward.
The Universe is constantly in flux—the only constant is change.
Nothing stays the same.
So when you take action, you are adhering to the foundational law of the Universe.
The winners of humanity take action.
Confident men take action.
The more action you take, the more confident you get.
I forgot one part of the action principle.
The kind of action.
If you are taking the wrong actions, you will head in the wrong direction.
A helpful heuristic to cultivate is always seeking the hard way, the path of most resistance.
Do hard things as a matter of exercise to build your resilience and learn about yourself.
Other times you should do the hard things because you've done the analysis, and you know that it's the current right/best thing you should do.
Instead of shying away from difficulty or lying to yourself about it, go after it.
As a rule, confident men don't procrastinate or try to avoid doing what they know is necessary.
Your hard thing muscle gets stronger with every rep.
If you are doing hard things and taking action, you will find yourself in uncomfortable situations regularly.
That's what you want. It's training, practice, and experience.
Maybe you already feel challenged with your work.
In that case, put yourself in physically uncomfortable situations—hot and cold therapy, intense exercise and sport, or anything physical that you actively avoid.
The better you get at physical discomfort, the easier the rest of your life is.
Discomfort helps you rise above petty fears and anxiety, which makes you confident by extension.
Confidence is usually the flip side of caring too much. So when you mentally distance yourself from something, what's left is confidence.
We talked about this already, but it bears repeating.
The more in touch with who you are as a man, the more confident you are.
They go hand in hand, as do most of the strategies in this article.
Gratitude is the skill of focusing on what you have. It's as simple as that.
The more you exercise this skill, the stronger it gets (see the theme yet?).
Gratitude is one of those things that seems trivial at first since it can seem like it's not working. But over time, your subconscious manifests the benefits.
You will feel waves of abundance and gratitude hit you out of nowhere. Ride those waves. Keep giving yourself the chance to surf those waves by creating a daily gratitude practice.
You could do a gratitude journal, meditation and start telling the people you care about how much you appreciate them. Do them all.
If you are neglecting your health, everything you do above will be in vain. It's that important.
Get need to get your appearance, grooming, a basic sense of style, and a health-conscious lifestyle going as a foundation. I'm not going to spend time here telling you how to do that. You can figure it out.
Building confidence through the inner game work will make it easier to get your health and appearance in order. With each bit of progress you make, it gets that much easier to do more. You manufacture motivation by getting results.
Confident men have a vision of their future.
They know where they are going and what they are trying to accomplish.
That's not to say you have to be Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk.
This is how I think about my life: I visualize my ideal life and the man I am at the center that has earned and deserves that life.
I visualize our vacation home in Costa Rica and our kids growing up in nature as I hop on podcasts to share my truth with others while working whenever I want.
I visualize the time I have each day to spend with my family and how I have no stress because I've created a financial machine that grows itself and provides my family with security and peace of mind.
With that extra time I have, I get to explore any creative project I want. I can build things, work on my food forest in the topics, visit friends, surf, play golf, do whatever the hell I want whenever I want.
And finally, I'm confident and stoic—little gets me upset because I've developed the mental tools to bounce that shit off like water.
By now, you've probably seen how most of these recommendations overlap. As you improve your inner game, your outer game gets better, and vice versa.
What you should also have recognized is how this is a holistic approach to life. This is not about a hack to create fake confidence since that's not real confidence. Genuine confidence is the byproduct of building an awesome life for yourself and knowing who you are and getting results. You can't fake that.
As you progress on your journey, every ounce of improvement you earn in one area improves the whole. A rising tide raises all boats.
Confidence is a mindset and way of life.
So get out there and become a better man, and the confidence will come as an afterthought.