Even faced with the most difficult circumstances, humans have the amazing ability to persevere and come out stronger than before. In this episode, Colin is joined by Gary and Victoria Buckmann, who share their inspirational stories of how obstacles in life can prove to be a catalyst for future success and happiness.
Join Colin on YouTube:
[00:00:00] Hey so good morning. Well, it's afternoon here for me. Where are you guys located? California. So it's like two hours behind. Three. Where are you? I'm in Texas. Oh, you got two hours, two hours. Yeah. I have some good friends in California.
[00:00:14] Yeah. So, we got 30 minutes. I would like to hear your story well then this is a little bit about your story. Yeah, go ahead.
[00:00:21] Yeah. So anyway when I was 20 years old in college, I was a top level gymnast and one day in practice I took off on the wrong foot on, in the vault Dean event. Then I landed on my head from eight and a half feet in the air and it knocked me out, broke my neck. And I was an instant quadriplegic.
[00:00:39] And this was in 1972. And the doctors, after I was in the hospital for a lot of the doctors came in and said, you're not responding, so you're going to be like this for the rest of your life. And I said, Oh no, doc, that's not the, that's not my plan. So I visualize, being agenda style was visualizing my routines.
[00:00:56] And so I visualized and. Healed myself. It took me three years and I made it back to competition. I actually did the vodka back on, and then I went into a coaching career, afterwards and developed a. Sequential basic lead up program that was social successful. My Genesis had so much success, cause I was never going to let something happen to one of my athletes.
[00:01:17] Like it happened to me because the reason that I got hurt is because my coach skipped steps with me. So anyway my program was so successful that they asked me to be on a USA coaching staff, and I traveled around the world with the USA team and things. So anyway that's my story there in a nutshell.
[00:01:31] And I just. Finished. I just finished my book. Yeah. I was about to say you need to write a book and share that story. That's amazing. Yes. Can we ask all broke, broken to brilliant, overcome obstacles to create opportunities and achieve the impossible. That's awesome. Well, you got to get me a copy for sure.
[00:01:47] And I'll do a mention when it's live and my newsletter I'll put a link to it and everything. So anything I can do. That's awesome. Yeah. Perfect. I know the things we were wondering one of our little I'm the marketing queen. Sorry. We are wondering if it, [00:02:00] if we might be able to get on your podcast about better humans, because that's, that's what we're all about.
[00:02:05]His whole thing was mindset. If you believe, if you want to bought into what the doctor said, he would not be walking today. And if we never. Decided at some point to only eat real food. And, we drink, we try to drink a gallon of water every day. We use your pink Himalayan, sea salt. I put it in the water for the minerals that was also in Darren's book.
[00:02:30] Victoria, why don't you tell me a little bit your background and then we'll go into it. Okay. So I teach sales magic to women sales, magic I worked for the phone company and a $50,000 a year job in its many names Pacbell SPC, a T and you were there for all of them.
[00:02:46] And I was making a quarter of a million dollars in a $50,000 a year job go, wait, what do you mean? What was that from like sales commissions or something, or. Well, I was in sales. Yeah. So I had a base salary and I waited, made a ton of commission. So because I was doing sales magic. So what is sales magic?
[00:03:06]Is that like a program that you go through or is that something that you just created yourself? Okay, so I'm S I'm super intuitive. I got a download in the middle of the night and it was S a L E S come from service, ask questions. Listen. Evaluate excavate. Elevate figure out how you can help this person and then share there's no selling in sales.
[00:03:30] And so, I, we're all about set your intention, visualize, we put together our little vision boards we call in higher powers, angels guides, whatever every day and say, okay, here's. And we are we work really hard to better ourselves and be aligned with our soul so that we can do our school's mission and help change the world so that we all are.
[00:03:57] So that there's a lot of better [00:04:00] humans, right? Yes. And as Gandhi said, it's like, be the change you wish to see in the world. And another guy who, I don't remember who said it, but. Everybody wants to change. Like things are changing the world, but nobody thinks of changing himself or herself, but that's the only way you can change first.
[00:04:14] And if you can't change yourself, you can't change other people. Like that's just asinine. Right. And it's not about changing how I dress. Well, it is about changing how you eat, but it's about changing the energy that you hold and changing the thoughts and the mindset that you're constantly, exuding and.
[00:04:33] Creating with you, you had Buddha on your website. I got Buddhists, same quote, hanging on my door. Here you are. What you think you become, what you think they do? Yeah. Yes. In addition to what you eat. Right. And then, so I made all this money and I was, making a quarter of a million dollars. I did really well put it all away and my financial advisor sold it off half a million dollars.
[00:04:56] So the two of us are like Overcome obstacles, turn it around. Both of us could be sitting. He could be paralyzed and I could be, if you accepted your circumstance, you would be victims and you have every reason in the world to be a victim. But what people don't understand what the victim narrative is, everybody is a victim, at least at some point in their life.
[00:05:17] Right? Like it's so it's like, what do you do with it? Are you going to be a victim or are you going to, are you gonna take it in as fuel and. Or you get a dig in there and find the gift, right? Yup. Yup. We can, even, as it looks like, mine looked like it was wrapped in poop wrapping. Well, usually it's yeah, it's usually a shit sandwich was like, I've been in the middle that's tasty and then there's yeah.
[00:05:40] There's a lot of icing on the cake, but it's you cut into it and stole a bunch of shit. So that's yeah. I mean, that's amazing. You guys would be interested in Joe Dispenza's work. That's really good stuff. Did he do a seminar? I think it's him. Joe's book to read. And I said, read this book because.
[00:05:56]You are the placebo. Yeah, I haven't read that, but the [00:06:00] breaking, the habit of being yourself, it was so good. Like, well, we read them all. We read them all, but he he did all this in the seventies. Well, Joe didn't come out until later. So after he wrote, read the book, it was like, Oh my God, this is the science behind what I did.
[00:06:15] And I know I did it. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually reminds me of, so I lost my father when I was 18 and I went to books and personal development as a way, like a coping mechanism and I found stoicism and philosophy and it's like, Everything that I was doing just internally to not let it ruin my life.
[00:06:33] Basically like all the adaptive I w NIS I was trying to achieve through that process. I've read stoicism and I'm like, these guys are telling me things that like I've been doing by accident, just trying to figure it out and then like, it just, it's nice when someone. Says something where you feel like they get you or what you're going through.
[00:06:51] Like there's a certain kind of camaraderie to that, that like, like a support system to that select for me, stoicism is like a root of everything I do now. And just that idea of like, what can I control? What can I not, how do I respond to my environment? That's all it matters. I'm happy or sad because I choose to be nothing else can determine that.
[00:07:07] And it's like so much of our culture today is just this idea that. Like, I need these external things. I need status. I need fame. I need money. I need power. And like, when I get it, I'm happy for a little bit. I get a little jolt of feel, good hormones, and then I'm out trying to get it again. And then over the course of a long period of time, you keep doing that though.
[00:07:23] You're drunk. You're a drug addict, right? You're just a hormone addict and you're always trying to get another fix and it's like, it's just not sustainable. We know that. All these rich and famous people are miserable and then they, or they commit suicide or things happen. Like everyone thinks money is the answer or fame is the answer.
[00:07:38] And a lot of times it's actually a bigger problem than people even realize. Cause like you have success or no success, they're both problems. Right. People don't understand that. So, yeah. Yeah. So, so powerful. So yeah. What is it like with your friend group? Like let's so you're already thinking differently than like most people, right.
[00:07:55] You're eating differently, living differently. Do you have to like curate the people you hang out with? Or [00:08:00] do you like modulate what you say? Cause I've learned in my adult life that was certain people that aren't aware of certain concepts. I don't even go there cause I know it'll just like be confusing for them.
[00:08:08] So I modularly who I am like a chameleon, like a social chameleon. What's it like for you guys? I am not a chameleon. I said, I didn't think you would be. You just say what you want to say.
[00:08:18]I am the queen. He's a little different, but You don't modulate either. No, we're very picky and choosing who comes in our house and who gets to be our friend. Yeah. Yeah. I remember I do discern, you know what, like you do, like what I say to people, cause I know that they're not, I'll just, like I said, I just don't talk about it.
[00:08:37] And when I do, when I'm able to share, my concepts and ideas with people, I know that they're going to, Be receptive. Yeah. So they gave you some kind of cue. I mean, do people come to you and ask questions? Are they asking you about diet, nutrition, lifestyle, or like, Hey, how are you ripped at 70?
[00:08:50] Like, does that come up at all? Or, yeah, it does. And we tell them, we share things with them, like what we're doing with the diet and eating, organic food and drinking a lot of water and just, getting the rest and, meditating. We have our rituals in the morning where we.
[00:09:04]We send out love to ourself first and then out to everybody else in the world. And then we, we do our prayers and meditation and we make sure that we have balance and we take breaks, and do things. And especially right now, with the book coming out, it's like, well, my gosh, we were like working herself into the ground, your name and said, wait a minute, we better walk our, talk to your stop, slow down, and take a break, and. And so, yeah, we just, and we share things with people. Like we have these little electric bracelets, that that or all natural things like the mat and the magnets and the laws. Yeah. And finding breaks every 90 minutes. And then you just use that as a reminder. Oh, go sit down and breathe.
[00:09:40] Oh, it's like a habit trainer. That's really cool. I'll look into that. Pause to use. Yeah, I'll send you the link for the, yeah. It's all natural stuff. And then you can put what you want and the little stone that's on the inside and I just put breeds. Yup. Or the now or whatever it is.
[00:09:58] Yeah. It's cool because it, you. [00:10:00] First of all raise it. Yeah. That's what we call it. Never heard of that, but I love that kind of stuff. So go ahead and throw her what we're going to say. I said, or magic. Yeah. So one of the other downloads that I got and we actually taught a class, a live class. It's been a while now it's called your extraordinary life experience.
[00:10:16] I got a download life. I get these downloads life. Look inside for everything. Right. Yeah. So Neval Robin Cod talks about this a lot. He basically says that, life is a single-player game, you're born alone. You spend most of your time alone, at least in your thoughts. Right. And then you die alone.
[00:10:33] Even if people around you, it's still you and your experience. And it just it's like, again, most people don't even have a relationship with themselves. But they don't even see themselves as somebody, they should have a relationship with. So they just like, ignore it. And then that angst just builds and builds Milts for years and then sometimes manifest in tragic life events.
[00:10:53] Right. And so a lot of what I want to do is just help people wake up to everything, and decide where you need help. Right. We need to focus on, right. Yeah, exactly. That was the big thing with me, because awareness is the key to success in anything in life, and like lack of awareness is what got me hurt.
[00:11:09]Not having the spatial awareness and skipping steps, but we're not aware of, all of the internal dialogue is going on, how we're treating ourselves. We're not aware of the, our external, language and dialogue, like, cause thoughts become things and what we say happens, and materializes.
[00:11:24] And so that's another thing that we do, we're trying to be aware of those kinds of things and, be aware of everything that we needed to be, to be, to reach our full potential and become a better human being. So it sounds like you both support each other pretty. Pretty a lot.
[00:11:37] Right? Like you sound like almost like a unit when you're talking. Are there any like individual differences where your health habits, like one might do this, one might do that or is it just you pretty on the same team with those types of things? I mean,
[00:11:50]pretty much, it's like, like I I like to have the sweets, you know what I mean? I love it. I love it myself. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so she's still battle. Yeah, [00:12:00] exactly. Right. And I, and other than that, though, workouts are a little different, like she's more into the plots and things and I'm doing the CRX and body weight stuff and things like that.
[00:12:10]But for the most part, yeah, we we Have the same philosophy and will work, do the same things. And, it's an amazing story of how we met, like, we met dancing. I mean, how long ago? 1999. Wow. Okay. So I was actually going to ask you there's a book I read recently called 30 lessons for life and what he did, the researcher, he went to nursing homes and he went to just a lot of older folks and it was basically like, listen, you guys are experts at life because you've lived it longer than like most people, what are the big core lessons.
[00:12:42] Right. And he compiled that information into a book. And guess what? A lot of it was a similar top five top 10 recommendations. So. What are the top few principles of a successful relationship? And then we'll do the top few principles of a successful life in your opinion. So relationship first.
[00:12:59] Okay. Relationship first, number one for me is communication. So I've heard that, but give me something like specific, like go deep into that because everyone hears that, but I don't think people really know what that even means. Right. Well, don't be afraid to say what you're feeling, even if it's going to hurt the other person.
[00:13:16] That's huge. You know what I mean? Because it's like, you don't want to shy away from what you're feeling. Cause then you hold it in and it builds up barriers and things. So like, we'll tell each other, like, like this is how I'm feeling, when you do this, I feel like this, and it hurts me and I don't want to, how can we resolve this?
[00:13:32] And we try to come to a mutual thing all the time. So that's the best example I can give that also saying, this is how I feel rather than this is what you did it, like when you make it about you. And also when you can say it, a lot of communication is how you say it, right? If you say it in a certain way and you focus on me, okay.
[00:13:52] It comes off differently. And I think people are less defensive. And I actually think a lot of communication breakdown is lot of times just how we say things and how it's [00:14:00] perceived. I mean, because generally people have the same goals, like, like, I don't want you to be upset because I did something. But like, this is how I think about how I do it.
[00:14:07] Or maybe I have this fault I'm working on our cork. Right. And so most people are trying to come to the same thing but it ends up being blame and attacking. Which, what do you get when you blame or attack? Like you just get that right back at you. Yup. If you push, they just pushed back in. Exactly.
[00:14:23] Exactly. One of the reasons why I think that happens is we're all humans and we all have these core wounds. So he might say something like, I don't know. I don't have an I'll think of an example. And then. In my head, I heard it totally different from my wound than what he actually said.
[00:14:46] So then I might say, here's what I just heard. And I'm pretty sure that's not what you said. Can we untangle this? And so we'll go back and forth and untangle it all the way down to, wow. You said something that my mother used to say to me. So what I heard was I'm not good enough. I didn't do this right.
[00:15:07] Blah, blah, blah. And then we'll go and he's going, no, that is not what I said. That is not what I meant. Right. Yeah. That conversation in the moment so that people don't so that we don't go off in different directions and not talk for the rest of the day or whatever. Yeah. So two things with that one, that's very good strategy.
[00:15:27] I'm actually going to implement that myself. I have notes here. This is what I heard. That's so massive to Socrates was very big in definitions. So he would ask you questions to say, you said this sentence of words now define what you mean by this word, because the definition that you have of this word.
[00:15:42] Well, I don't actually agree with that, or this is my definition. Let's try to come to terms on the definition and nobody does that. And that's why definitions are so important because everybody's like the way everyone uses words and whether it's severe or moderate or not a big deal. Like it's, everyone has a different interpretation.
[00:16:00] [00:15:59] Everyone hears things differently. If you've ever played Chinese like the Chinese game where you whisper something, Chinese whisper, I think it's called. And it goes around seven people and it's literally a hundred percent like the opposite of was even said it's insane. Like that experiment everyone should do.
[00:16:12] Cause it's insane. So this is what I heard. Also staying on the point to define what you said and or heard is huge. Most people just attack with some line defend with some line and then like another, they pick out something they said, and now you're like, after 10 minutes, you're talking about. Like finances when you started talking about, I don't know, like jealousy or something, it's just, it's crazy.
[00:16:38] Like how people in arguments and politics, this happens a lot in politics. Like nobody can stay on point in politics or debates. It's just like picking one thing attacking defending, and that's why nothing gets done in that way. And I feel like relationships default to that too. If you can stay on the sentence that was said, Like define every word, understand what they're saying and then get them to understand what you're saying and don't move on until that's done.
[00:17:02] If you move on, you've already lost it. And now you just have more energy, like, and combativeness in the air and it just gets worse and worse. Devolves, and devolves that's I mean, that's massive. And so that's a good example of communication. This is what I heard. And then you said, this is what I'm feeling, right.
[00:17:19] Notice me my like, like figuring out what you can even. What are you even thinking and feeling is massive. And most people even do that. Like that's why self-awareness is so huge, like being aware of your feelings, your thoughts, your traumas, you call them moons, like traumas. Most people have unresolved trauma, for sure.
[00:17:37] Yep. So that's communication. That's a big relationship one. That's good for everything. Business, friends, family, what's another let's do another one for relationship. What's a big one for relationships. I like your when you always say we have a saying, going that, we say, Oh, when we do something, we say, Oh gosh, how human of you?
[00:17:55]Because we all are. Yep. And instead of saying, [00:18:00] wow, what a idiot you are, we're calling them labeling right now. That's yeah, that's really good. Yeah, so communication and also, it also just sounds like you guys have a pretty good way of using your words and definitions. Like we talked about, like, I think that's just so massive.
[00:18:18] Is there any, I mean, what about like other life stuff? I mean, obviously your team unit, it sounds like you're definitely the same team. I think that's huge. I think a lot of relationships feel like it's like your team and your goals, your team and your goals, and then you butt heads. It sounds like you have like similar goals and you're on the same team.
[00:18:31]Is there anything with like money with like jealousy, like any other like big things that people should be aware? I think one of the things that, that really helps us a lot is that, we recognize each other's gifts and talents. And we allow that person to take that role, so like I'm really good at, itemizing and doing things or whatever, and statistics or whatever.
[00:18:52] And she's really good at the creative part of it and do another thing. So instead of, like we just say, okay, you take this part, I'll take this part and let's get this golden, and business partnership is they say you should get a partner or a co-founder. That is good at the things you're not good at.
[00:19:05] And vice-versa is massive. And that's, again, being on the same team, like a coach that taught us to or prompted us to do money dates. So we had money dates once a week where we, first of all, you light a candle, turn on some music and set your intention, appreciate everything that you already have.
[00:19:25]Look at where your money's going. How much did you spend on each thing? Do you actually, are you spending on food that you don't believe in or you don't want in your body, is that where you're putting your money towards and your you're supporting that in the world? Or so you do that, like for each spend each person's spending, you try to analyze it and like become aware of it and ask questions around it.
[00:19:49] Okay. Yeah, you have a thing, you have a thing on the phone called every dollar and you can even get like groceries and everything like that. And so he lies down there and we just go through [00:20:00] that. And instead of, so it teaches you to just, instead of wondering where your money went, what you spent your money on.
[00:20:05]And you, the number one thing that they say kills relationships is our finances. So by doing it that way, again, team effort. The goal is to not, I mean, cause I've dealt with this, like I'm into minimalism right now where I just want to basically own nothing. And I, every time I move and I pay movers, I'm like, I throw away half my stuff every time.
[00:20:27] And I still have a bunch of stuff. Like I don't understand it. It's insane. Like stuff just accumulates. And so we have kids and obviously she needs things for the kids and like certain things that I'm like, I'd never see him use that. Can we get rid of it? So, so we're trying to figure out like what a strategy is.
[00:20:40] Like things that take up space that we have to move every time, whatever, like, if it doesn't get used a certain amount, then we should donate it or sell it. And then if we really needed the future, just buy it off Amazon again, if we need to or whatever. So it's like, that's definitely a source of angst for us because like her, like the way she thinks about it, being home with the kids more than I am like is definitely not my perception.
[00:21:01] My perception is can't really be accurate. Right. So I feel like. A lot of times it comes off as me attacking her or trying to say like, she's, she said that she feels like I want to get rid of all her stuff, but then I don't do the same with mine. And like, I understand that, but I've also gotten rid of a lot of stuff too.
[00:21:17] So, but again, it just seems like having some kind of ritual around that and approaching it that way as a team, same goals, whatever being aware of it, do you really need that? Whatever. Cause now she wants to get her hair done as $250 and I can't fathom. That's as like an entrepreneur Cassius King, like I can't fathom $250 for getting hair, did it like, but I know that's the thing.
[00:21:39] So it's like, right. So, what that brings up is and it's part of communication, but there's a huge respect that. We are both human beings. We both have needs, we have different perspectives and you're respecting that person as a person and human being. You're not thinking of, like [00:22:00] we stopped saying my husband, it's not my husband.
[00:22:03] It's Bob has been right. Yeah. You don't want him. He doesn't own, you. There's this. Really high level of respect. And how would you talk and treat your best friend? Because often people talk to their partner or their kids worse than they would talk to their friends. Yeah. I know that it, the ownership and the comfortability definitely applies to that.
[00:22:27] And actually for kids, it's a big thing. Alison is very much into like the conscious parenting stuff and she doesn't like to even say my children rather like. He's his own human Daro. He has feelings. He has emotions. He's like, we don't own him. We're just basically trying to support him to grow up to be its own his own person.
[00:22:44] So yeah that's really important. Yeah. And then that way you don't scrunch their intuitive abilities or their insights, their hunches, their own internal wisdom. Let that come through. He's got this, I might have an idea about something, but he's got this internal wisdom that's in him that knows what works for him might not work for me.
[00:23:05] Right? Yup. Yup. So it reminds me of a quote. I think it was Buckmaster fuller said, he said the opposite of nature is impossible. That's what it kind of reminds me of anything that is not natural. That is not nature. Like everything that humans try to mold. Right. We're not very good at it.
[00:23:23] Like, and every single thing we try to control or do, or like intervene or whatever, like it's usually just a band-aid that the underlying problems still there. And then it grows and grows and these complex systems eventually break. They fragilities, whatever. So, yeah, I totally get that. I just feel like when you approach life, as only you can control yourself.
[00:23:41] And everything around you, if it's great and it comes to you, that's just bonus, but your happiness isn't dependent on it. Like whatever, and, Oh man, we could go on and on about this. So we did relationships. We did a few good things there. How about just life and maybe happiness and wellbeing, any health principles you want to [00:24:00] throw in there?
[00:24:00] What are a few of those big principles that you learned over your life that are just massive that, young people or middle-aged people right. Can learn from. For life, I would say. And this is, I'm taking this from you and your book, so maybe you should say it. Nothing happens to you.
[00:24:15] Everything happens for you. And come from a beginner's mind and I don't care how much, always be open to personal growth and learning new ways and new per new perspectives. And, everything is constantly changing and change is the creative intelligence of the universe moving in a forward direction.
[00:24:36] So if you look at change A lot of people fear change or don't they don't want to stop change. It's all go. It's you're evolving. Everything's evolving or you're dying or you're not. So change is the only constant. The sun is burning out, which basically means the earth is dying. We're dying.
[00:24:54] Like it's a constant. And yet humans from our ancestral pass, like uncertainty creates fear because like a lot of different things and our mindset is stuck in the past. And yet we have this control of our environment today that gives us this kind of an illusion of safety in a lot of ways. And what we do is then we resist change and that creates fragilities.
[00:25:13] And usually like, it's a health fragility to my fragility. And then over years and years, that leads to catastrophic things like you don't want to wake up one day and the doctor tell you, well, you have terminal cancer. Like you want to do things in your twenties to prevent that as much as possible because when the doctor gives a diagnosis, like it's too late and that's, to me, it's a tragedy, right?
[00:25:32] So that's a way to think about health, but also mindset. Everything you're doing. Although I disagree about the diagnosis. What do you mean? Because he got the diagnosis that he'd never walk her move again and they didn't accept it. And then he turned it all around everything pointed to him being paralyzed.
[00:25:49] No. Well, so I mean, I don't trust the medical system at all, but that's a crude analogy and there are some things I think that if you don't, we don't have cures for. That like, you don't want to get there, right? Like [00:26:00] you don't, you wanna do everything you can to prevent that. So I'm petrified of doctors.
[00:26:03] I'm petrified of hospitals. That's one of my motivations to being a healthy human, to not have to deal with that, so, expand on the, from his book, that principle, why don't you, why don't you expand on that for us a little bit? You said everything happens to you or everything happens.
[00:26:17] It doesn't happen to you happens for you. Can you expand on that? Yeah. Like once I, adopted that concept, like, cause all of the horrific things that happen to us in our lives, no matter what is and what area of our life, most of the time, we think, Oh my gosh, that happened to me.
[00:26:31] And it's terrible and all these different things, but you know, most of the time the horrific thing is the catalyst for the spectacular things to come into your life, and so once I realized if that didn't happen to me, Then I wouldn't be who I am today. Thank you for brow beating me or whatever it was, that happened to me, like telling me that I was stupid or, dancing stories, for example, it's like, when I was young, my dad was, he was great.
[00:26:57] I mean, he taught me how to do all kinds of different things, practical things around the house. I mean, he taught me how to. He involved me in all the, different things that we had to do in life, all the time, like you involved you, like when you were recovering projects.
[00:27:10] Yeah. Like kids love that. Yeah. I'm telling you, I I read some recently, I want to interject real quick about it was something about parenting and kids and like, obviously there's a lot of flawed. Models today where you work a lot, and then you give your, your family money, but you're not around.
[00:27:24] And you think that the money is going to take may compensate for that, but it doesn't, kids are going to care more about you like being involved in spending time together than anything else. And one example of this author actually was that same book. I think it was 30 lessons for life. He was talking about how he wants to spend time with his teenage daughter, but his teenage daughter just wants to go to the mall and shop.
[00:27:44] So he figured out that I got to go with her and do what she wants to do rather than me saying what I want to do and dragging her to it. And I now know more about women's fashion than I should have. I should, as a middle-aged adult. Right. But the relationship and the bonding experience they had as a result of that will [00:28:00] basically impact her for, in him, for the rest of their lives.
[00:28:03] So for me, I got to keep mine. I need to do what the kids want to do, especially when they get to that age. When they're younger, when I'm realizing with my son, like I was putting a table together yesterday and he's two and a half, he wants to put screws in everything. He wants to grab the hammer and do it.
[00:28:16] Like he wants to be so freaking involved in that process. And he also mentioned in the book how, when at that age, like they just want to be involved in things. So include them. And I mean, they get learning out of it. They get development out of it and they get relationship like with you out of it too.
[00:28:28] So I think that's massive. Yeah. Cause you know, like I'm in the first. Memory I have of being involved, it was when I was before kindergarten, I was probably four years old and we just want a new house in Sacramento and they had to prepare the grounds, wrote it to the ground and everything for the lawns and the gardens that they wanted, both front, back there.
[00:28:45] And I remember him, like, yeah, He put me in front of him, put his hands on top of my hands, and he let me chill to the ground with them, wow. And then he, she taught me how to use a hammer and a saw and everything to build things and how many he involved me and everything, the one drawback, and I blamed, this is a good example because I blamed him for my whole life for making me feel like I wasn't smart enough.
[00:29:05] It wasn't good enough because it wasn't anything that he said to me. It's what he did, like we would be working on a project and he didn't have the patients, cause he was on a time crunch, which I didn't realize to finish this stuff, and so he would, where we'd been in the middle of it and he would send me off on an errand to go get a tool or something and he finished the project while I was gone.
[00:29:23] And so that screen loud, clear to my inner critic that, Oh my God, I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough because he did, he did that for me. So I, I was, blamed him for causing that feeling inside of me and yet. One day, you know what I mean? In my mid sixties right here in my.
[00:29:37] Kitchen. I realized, I woke up and had an aha moment said, Oh my God, if my dad wouldn't have taught me the way he taught me, I would have never become a USA national team coach for USA gymnastics, because I would have taught the same way. But you know, doing that, I didn't want to make my students ever feel like I did.
[00:29:54] Inadequate like that. So I came up with a nice, compassionate way of asking questions and getting involved [00:30:00] and doing things and letting the learning happen on a natural process. That's amazing. And I actually have a similar story. So my dad was always late, like sometimes like an hour or two, and I'm just sitting here like 14, 15, and I got angry.
[00:30:14] That's how I manifested it. And then I want to talk to him for a little bit when I got in the car, but I've thought about it later on It was probably some kind of feeling of like, he didn't care enough or whatever, I'm never late. And I have no shame or guilt or ill will towards him that he was I've actually taken it.
[00:30:30] And I created an antifragile strategy. My thinking I said he was late. I have every reason to worldwide should be late and just blame my dad and have this victim narrative. And instead I'm never late and it's made me a better, stronger, more resilient person today. Yeah, a lot of people blame their childhood and they say this traumas and this and that, and they create a victim narrative, which literally manifest your reality today for as long as you hold that and that they just lived with it their whole lives.
[00:30:54] Instead, I try to take things in my childhood that caused me pain or trauma or whatever. And I say, how can I learn from this? And basically try to do maybe the opposite. So I took some of his things that he did that I didn't, I don't think are right, or I didn't like whatever. And I've, I went the other way.
[00:31:10] But I also don't blame him at the same time. It's not like I'm like afraid of becoming my dad or having any of these. Like, I just don't even think about it from a negative way. And if you actually realize what the brain is, most people think the brain is a hard drive and we have perfect recall. They've proven through research, they've done this.
[00:31:25] Your brain actually interprets the past based on the current now. So if you're in a negative state and you're like trying to find reasons why or whatever, and you go back to the past, you'll find all these reasons to support that narrative. If you're in a, if you're in a good place and growth or whatever, and you look back, you can find a massive amount of positivity that you can use as fuel.
[00:31:42] Right. So that's massive. That's amazing. Yeah. Hence, finding the gift in everything that happens to you, you can do that. It opens up all of the, all of your creativity and opportunities and synchronicities to happen for you. Yeah. And if you actually think about this, I've thought about this a lot, because I've, I'm, self-made in any success I've had, has [00:32:00] come from like middle-class and whatever.
[00:32:01] And I've seen a lot of the, blame the rich narrative and like, especially in politics and things like that. And I never understood it because like, if people knew what. It took to to make money and to be in the free market. Like it is brutal. And they have no idea what you go through.
[00:32:14] Also, I went into debt, I took all the risk, the liability, the financial risks, whatever, and employees show up and get a paycheck. Right. So the entrepreneur needs to be rewarded and that's how free markets work. That's how you innovation. That's why we have the abundance we have in America. Right. So I've thought about this though.
[00:32:30] And I've also, I've looked at a very wealthy children that are kind of born into wealth. And they almost never built anything, right. They almost never lot of times they struggle with depression and things like that because they don't have the struggle that's needed to appreciate wealth that you earned.
[00:32:46] And I've made this connection and I've looked into like, Eastern philosophy. So we'll weigh in Taoism, which is very much about duality. If you don't earn something right, you don't value it. So the struggle and the obstacle is in direct proportion to the gratitude you have on the other end. Yup. And without one, you can't have the other, it's just like night and day.
[00:33:07] If there's no night, there is no date. It doesn't exist. They are literally defined by the opposite. Right. So like you blaming the rich, I mean, honestly, I don't think that'll be a big political session. I don't to go there. But it's the duality, of that, that we need to understand. And it also goes back to that, the obstacles, the way, like everything happens or whatever.
[00:33:25]It's just, when you can take life, that always changes. And you can take it as learning and growth. You have an infinite source of fuel. And you mitigate like almost all of the bad things that people that can really overtake your life. Like a lot of people succumb to them, whether it's suicide or just depression or living for years and years, not pursuing your dreams because you're afraid of what your friends would think or whatever.
[00:33:47] Like it's a tragedy when I hear that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. You mentioned that, but you know about the struggle is, cause one of my friends. Sayings in the gym was don't ever shy away from the struggle. And it was all about basics. Like, I always said, people would say, [00:34:00] how'd you get your kids so strong.
[00:34:01] And I said, I make them do a lot of basics. And then you look at me and say, no, really? How'd you get your kids so strong? And I look back, yeah, I do a lot of basics and they go, Oh really? You just don't want to tell them, you want to keep a secret to yourself. And I go, no. And then I would tell them, the sheer numbers of repetitions that the kids had to go through, how much time I spent on during the year and everything else and the awareness that it developed in those kids.
[00:34:21] So they could reach their full potential, then they go, Oh, I get it now. But you know, nobody wants to go back to the basics and go through the struggle of doing things. What you're talking about, earning are self-made person. They don't want to do that. They want everything to be fast, quick and easy.
[00:34:35] And that's not the answer they think they want that though. But that's the thing when it's given to you, you don't appreciate it. That's why with lottery winners, most of them end up broke. They don't know how to manage money. It doesn't matter whatever. They've also, there's an actual study where they surveyed lottery.
[00:34:50] Winners were lottery winners after like, six months or whatever it is default to being about. As happy as somebody that's been in a car accident and can't walk. I'm kidding. I'm telling you that was in the study. Like they said that, right. It's pertinent to this discussion, but it's like, it's insanity.
[00:35:05] Like if you don't earn something, you don't value it. Right. And so much of life they say is like the journey, right? So it's like the struggle. When you look back on the end of your life, most of what you're gonna go to are the struggles. And then your growth from them and then the gratitude that came as a result of them.
[00:35:22] So therefore, if you don't have struggles and your life is perfectly easy, then you actually don't have a life to really be grateful for because the struggles connected exactly to the gratitude of that life, right? Like if you're in comfort your whole life and everything's given to you and you've never experienced pain or struggle or fear, how do you appreciate that comfortability?
[00:35:40] Like if we had this utopian society where people be born into and they never have to struggle for anything, I think people will go mad. And then, and they won't be happy. Right. So it's like when you remove these natural laws and the duality of nature and the mind and all these different things, like you just, you get fragilities, which eventually break in some way.
[00:36:00] [00:36:00] Right? Yeah. Perfect. Example of that is. Here was somebody who was an elite gymnast or a top level gymnast walking on water, totally ripped 4% body fat lost his whole entire body could not move anything. Yeah. 50 years later he's still ripped because he remembers, I know what it felt to lose that whole thing.
[00:36:23] I will never take advantage of my. Body or this amazing mechanism that, houses my soul. Right. And that's that's an antifragile strategy. Like you didn't accept the victim narrative which would have made you more fragile. So if you're like, okay, doctor, I believe what you're saying, you would have gotten sicker more unhealthy every single year.
[00:36:43] And maybe that could have led to something like cancer or heart disease or any of the other modern diseases. But because you responded to that, you took it as fuel. You became stronger, who knows what you've warded off in your later years. Right. You guys are in the age group too, where people around you are potentially being diagnosed with a struggle with life-threatening chronic disease.
[00:37:04] Like that's a big deal. I mean, this is like, like the majority of America at this point is obese. Like it's insane. So it's just like crazy. So how about a couple more before we wrap up a couple more life lessons or even stories that you want to share or anything. Well, I was gonna kind of piggyback on the basic thing a little bit where, like, I, we need to slow down to speed up, going along with what you said, and you're going through the struggle and doing things because once you do that, then you're going to reach your full potential and go wherever you want to go.
[00:37:28]Your book is a memoir and it was all about little stories of your life. And when you are writing that you started connecting the dots. That would be a good thing to talk about. Yeah. What are some realizations from writing the book that you maybe were like? Aha. Was like, Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. It's like, I used to say, in the gym all the time, minor adjustments make a huge difference in the outcome of the skill or whatever.
[00:37:49] It's the same thing in life. Well, I was like writing down all of these stories from childhood through adolescence and high school college, all the way to adulthood, all of a sudden that, I [00:38:00] started connecting the dots and, little things that changed my life.
[00:38:02] Like for example, one of the chapters is learning to dance. And when I was in the seventh and eighth grade, the enemy of school had danced, once a month. And so everybody was talking about how great it wasn't. So I wanted to go to it and be with my, with my friends, but I didn't know how to dance.
[00:38:18] Yeah. That's a common fear. That's a, it's like a fear of public speaking for young kids. I remember that myself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I was afraid, to go out there and be laughed at and made fun of, because I was little, and everything. So I didn't need any more of that. So it's like, I asked one of my childhood friends, Marilyn Ingram to help me learn how to dance, and cause you know, I had known her for since second grade, so she said, sure.
[00:38:42] And so I, went up to her house, the week before the dance and she, long story short, she taught me how to dance, by just making me come here, follow me, do this, do that and do that. And I said, so then I confided in her and I told her, I said, okay, now I know how to dance.
[00:38:54] But I'm still afraid to go out there and do it because people are gonna laugh at me and she goes, Oh, that's ridiculous. Nobody's going to care what you're doing out there. They're all gonna be too concerned about themselves. And they're, looking good or whatever, and I, I'm in my mind, I'm going, yeah.
[00:39:06] Right, Maryland. I, I didn't want to say anything to her, but I didn't buy into it. And so then I went to the, I went to the dance and next week, and. Course. I just went back like a wallflower, I was going okay, then this is a big mistake. I shouldn't have come.
[00:39:18] What with that, because I think in, and all of a sudden Marilyn comes running over, it says let's dance. And I look at her and I go no, I'm not doing that. And of course I knew what was going to happen next because Marilyn was a no nonsense kind of kid with a lot of confidence. She grabbed my hand and dragged me out onto the floor.
[00:39:32] And I meant, all the blood rushed out on my extremities and everything. I'm freaking out, I'm pale, I'm sitting out there and she looks at me, And gives me this, look. It says, you better start dancing buddy, or you're gonna, I'm going to kill you. So wait, am I start dancing?
[00:39:46] But I'm looking around and looking all over to see me and everybody's laughing at me. And after I'd made a 360 degree scan realize no one's laughing at me. I started let loose and dancing. And then it's like, it's been a love affair for the rest of my life. I still. No, well dancing. [00:40:00] And I met my wife, the love of my life at a dance place.
[00:40:04] So it was some little thing that happened when you're a kid, connected the dots. And then all of a sudden it turned into this life that I never imagined. And you were, so you were so afraid. Yeah, I was. So it's directly proportionate to more afraid of something. You are, again, the duality, the more rewarding it will be for your life in ways you probably can't even fathom.
[00:40:26] Exactly right. And that's why every, that's why your life defaults to the highest level of fear and thinking and the kind of mindset that you can get to. And it doesn't go an inch higher and I've even in businesses, the same thing, a business, your life, anything you're doing your life will default to the highest level of thinking and fear you're willing to or go through if you will.
[00:40:43] And then. And then you go up a little bit and it's the same thing. What's the next thing you're afraid of because that's probably where you need to go. And that's why, the obstacle is the way like Ryan holiday's book and stoicism. These are all a lot of the same ideas. I just feel like these ideas like should be taught in school.
[00:40:57]What school system is like at this point, completely outdated. And I learned all these things in my adult life, mostly through trial and error, a lot of reading too, but then you still have to get in real life and do it. And I just feel like people are just so unaware of them and they're just plugged into their devices becoming more unaware because they're more distracted.
[00:41:15]It's tragic, but that's why I better humans is about helping more people thrive. Right? Because like, you guys sound like you're happy, you're thriving, healthy, whatever. And. We've shown that's only because of your struggles, that's only because of the obstacles and it's only because you've overcome fears in your life along the way.
[00:41:31] Like probably lots and lots of them, so that's amazing. Is there anything you'd like to share before, before we part ways well, where they can get the book, plug it definitely. Yeah. Yeah. So, you can not purchase my book broken to brilliant. The easiest way would be to go to my website.
[00:41:45]Gary Buckmann B U C K M a N n.com and on the homepage. So just be order here now button, and it'll take you right to Amazon. And it goes until Friday, it goes on sale Friday the 12th. Oh. And it will be on Amazon, [00:42:00] too. Yes on Amazon Barnes and Nobles everywhere. That's awesome. So, so they would search broken to brilliant.
[00:42:07]Actually if you go on Amazon or whatever, put in my name and then it'll pop up, because there is an actual sound that it to add another book of the same. The algorithm is going to take some time to pick it up, put it in his name and it is Buchman B U C K M a N. Great. We'll have links to everything in the show notes.
[00:42:28] Let's help give that algorithm a boost to share his amazing story. This has been an amazing surprise, a welcome surprise for you guys coming on. It's great. And I look forward to connecting and staying connected and in the future, and this has been a lot of fun. Right before we got on this call, I set my intention that it just would be a win-win situation.
[00:42:47]Love it will work the universe. The universe responded appreciate you guys very much. And we'll connect through email and appreciate everything. And when it goes live, I'll share the link. So you guys can listen back to it. I was listening back to my, I love doing that. Thank you so much. Have a good one.
The Almanack of Naval Ravikant: I own the Kindle version, a physical copy and the free PDF. It's that good.
Free Skillshare course access links (limited supply)
Copyright 2020 Colin Stuckert
These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products and recommendations are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.